Monday ● September 23rd, 2019 ● 1:00am

Let them eat cake.

Random Road Rage Rant

I’m probably one of the most docile people on the street today, but that doesn’t mean I can’t flip some shit when somebody decides to be a moron while they drive. It’s almost like some days I’m torn between deciding what I hate more: Incompetent people or incompetent people who drive.

Sometimes I really feel deep down inside of this pit I call a heart, the DMV just gives out random licenses to people taking their road-test. Like a door prize. You show up, put your name on the list and then if you’re one of the lucky (NOT if you pass the test) people you leave with a shiny, fresh piece of plastic entitling you to operate a motor vehicle. More often than not, its the people like that who are driving that seem to hit my switch and cause me to get crazy. And “one of these days I’m probably gonna end up in jail for the simple fact I can’t control my aggression,” as my mom would always tell me.

Maybe she’s right? No… but she’s definitely on to something. They say you can’t get angry over how other people drive because thats what leads to aggression and road rage. Frankly, I can’t control my emotions when people are controlling their car like they were having an epileptic fit. Not because I have anger issues but because they mess up my chance of arriving at my destination in one piece… if at all.

Usually I can let simple things – like an old lady cutting me off – slide but some people really test me. I guess sometimes totally competent people just decide to be lazy behind the wheel. Or maaaaaaaybe some of these idiots aren’t even driving legally anyways.

Don’t get me wrong; I love driving. There is nothing better (especially since springs right around the corner) than just rollin down the glass, turning up the dial and pushin the pedal to the floor, you know? Just zonin; tune the world out and clear your mind of whatever clutter you’ve got goin on. But lately I’ve been noticing more and more idiots out there and they can totally blow my buzz when I’m trying to level my head. I’m not talking about JUST the Floridians and seniors. I’m talking straight up idiots who have not grasped the simple concept of driving, no matter how long they’ve been doing it.

They just nonchalantly pull random U-turns where you ain’t supposed to, veer into your lane, and cut you off despite the fact that you’re cruising at a reasonably high rate of speed. I know that I’m no saint behind the wheel. However, I’m not gonna be the cause of an accident when I’m completely aware of my surroundings.

So if your’re one of those morons who’s gotta go in reverse on the expressway for missing the exit, just veer into the middle of traffic for me. You wanna make you’re own lanes? Drive in front of that 18-wheeler thats barrelling toward your rear. You wanna ride the wall of the shoulder in order to get around me because you can’t yeild properly when coming off the ramp? I hope you crash into a fuuuuuckin ditch.

All I’m tryina say is that if you wanna kill yourself, be my guest. Just don’t let your douche-baggery interfere in my ride. I don’t need the aggravation. But most importantly I don’t need to die.

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